I want to vent my frustration. Enough of playing cool, i guess its good to complain once in awhile. I am so tired of keeping up, or rather losing pace.
There is so much readings to do, and i dont just want to read, i want to capture it all, i want to understand. Then, there is another side of my life that i want to be involved in and i want to do it well too. So you see the conflict. How do i cope and ensure that i do not fall of both places or fall of all the places?
Playing cool and nonchalent comes naturally, but i dont want that anymore i want to push the boundaries. Then again, pushing it might really lead to an unknown reaction. You know the thing about cause and effect. How interesting that is. I have not explored that in a long time.
But it is kind of scary, i wouldnt want the effect to harm people i love.Or, maybe just people around me, because i know i am capable of my hidden ability. The passion and drive might be so strong that i might hurt people around me subconciously.
Not that i am not doing so now, it seems my ignorance and nonchalency has led to an aloof reaction from them too. I am at a lost honestly. I probably need a superhero to tell me that it will all be okay. Then again, people will think that i am pushing too hard on an area that i do not need to. But i want to! Dont tell me i cant, or that the other is less important than the other.
I want it all. Call me greedy. Or rather given the choice i probably give up school. But since that is not an option, it is not equally as important to me. So how now? Than there are other things which are just as important too. What do i do?
Do i just bulldozed my way blindly through? I mean that is what a bull do and succeed in doing so. Since i am born in the horoscope year of a Tauras, does that mean i will be good at doing that?
Or should i just accept that sometimes we are not good in everything? I am lost.
I want to believe that i am a superhero who can do it. i want to believe that i have the determination to do it. I want i want i want. i want to believe that the world is big enough for me. I still have dreams, and i want to believe, so how?
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Friday, January 16, 2009
9:37 AM
Clarice is afraid of losing focus. She is afraid of letting other stupid and silly thoughts enter her mind and ruin her ability to think straight. What is really important? So many things. Clarice dislikes it when she gets distracted. She really cannot take people tagging along now. She has no ability to take care of them. She has no ability to give anything.
Clarice has been doing well for past few weeks. She cannot let it all go just like that. It is not easy starting all over again. She will be focus.
Clarice feels sad.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
profile.
cityofblindinglights.
Song Clarice
past the 20th mark
April baby (28th)