kinda late now, should really be hitting the sack, but i am kinda bored and though i should be completing my soon to be due presentation speech, i kind of find no motivation to do it now.
I mean i got a rough idea of what i want to do with it but requiring to write an outline for my speech is just not the way i use to handle my speeches.
so maybe outlines for tomorrow. no idea how to do it though.
but i'd be dead meat if i'd do it tomorrow.
heading for chinatown in the night with liying.
damnation!
feeling guilty right now spending so much money on clothes. i am not going to spend it on clothes from now till i feel less guilty. money is not easily earned. and money can definitely not buy everything.
should i watch another VCD?
i want my hip-hop classes back but i dun have the time maybe after next week.
my self defense class has not replied me just yet.:(
i think i am in an messy mode now.. no idea what to do..
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
11:00 PM
i miss my SINS chocolates.
the one with whisky and brandy.
nothing much today.
Just got more tops.
thats all.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Saturday, January 29, 2005
12:55 AM
I cant walk straight, i cant sit straight.
thanks to 9 hours straight of shopping.
Honestly speaking i aint a big fan of shopping, but i had to start buying things before i spend it on things i dont need.
because the things i have bought are things i need.
So i met Shiya, who had a slight misunderstanding with her friends, whom i secretly tried to msg to to try and make peace.
i bought two tops from far east. One office wear from OSMOSE. One sleeveless top from Little MatchGirl.
was supposed to head for guitar but i appreciated this hiatus from my mugging life.
yes, i had been good and studying hard this past 2 weeks.
Finally a touch with civilisation, how can i miss that? So i forego the 1 hour guitar lesson.
Of course, not before promising myself i work doubly hard at home practising it later.
Headed to Paragon before Heeren, this store called MU had real nice clothes, i would have bought the whole shop but only got one top.
Had simple fare. but delicious.
My feet was giving way. but had to head to bugis to get shiya's stuff.
Met VAL. yea, ma varerie!!!!!! hahahah..... miss her.
My hamstring start reacting to the immense pain.
Satisfied with shopping. din know it was already ten so we rushed home.
gosh! help me. so tired.shopping scares me, know you know why i am not a big fan of shopping.
going to finish watching: Blue Crush( after watching fiding forrester)
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Friday, January 28, 2005
11:20 PM
had to wake up real early today for an early tutorial. was really shagged, i stayed up to try to finish up both stats and econs tutorials. furthermore, yesterday was kinda emotional because my fav tv prog was airing the last episode. had lotsa thinking to do. well thats me. I always think further, analyse and yea, try to learn.
But sometimes too much analysing hurts. makes u think too much. but i think i gain more here.
I had badminton match with my usual gang. lost 11-10 on both matches. how sad, by a flicker only. But its okay, lots to learn.
Highlight of the match was Shiya slipping and falling after i served a high ball to her. She back tracked and slipped, flew up and fell. haha. hilarious.
Switched over to table tennis. Had simple rallies, whoever stops play would have to do 5 push up. Had a mini game with Chalven, that guy is fantastic. haha.
Washed up, mel had a bad day.whose to blame? dropped her phone, broke her shoe, cut her leg. haha.
headed to suntec. mission:research on projects, as well as get shiya her spects. mel, peixin and boots joined us. mission only half accomplished.
Bought earrings, bands and more VCDs for myself. Sorry the movies craze is right on.
Today was relaxing. i felt so uptight the whole week, like there are always expectations to fulfil, but that made my whole week rather interesting but tiring of course.
i am really tired today.
*thought of the day*
Am i really reading too much into it? How come you thought of me first before any others? Why send me that? Did we share that music before, is that why? Or was there a hidden meaning. I dont know what you are thinking, but whatever it is, i'd leave it to fate.
Rather i believe i have more issued to be concerned about, but i am really glad and elated to receive it from you.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Whats my destiny? i wonder.
Was sleeping real soundly today after yesterday soccer trg, but the phone rang. it was my mother who wanted to know the score line. Was not in the mood to rush to school to finish up assignments, so i decided to take it slow, and have a nice hearty breakfast and watched some VCDs before washing up for school.
I bought my daily dose of Straits Times, but guess what, after the 6th stop, i met Christina. Okay, theoretically speaking, i wouldnt have even talked to her back than in secondary school, was rather surprised that she took the first move, but i was okay with that. She was nice. Chatted a little walked in to school, than it was back to normal school activities.
Shiya can be nicknamed kan chiong spider.haha. Internal joke.
fate.destiny. i believe it all.
trials and tribulation. i believe it all.
ups and downs. i believe it all.
lets treasure it all.
watched: White Chicks
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
1:12 AM
I have been spacing out a lot today. espcially during soccer.
I was thinking about something, i know there is something.
But i just couldnt put a finger onto what it was. But i was very distracted.
I felt hurt at some point. hurt for someone or myself i dont know.
It might be you who stirred this emotion in me, or rather no emotion in me, the result of me starring into space.
after so many weeks, months, i thought you were erased.
but you made me feel again. its not that bad is it?
My life has been without feeling. if u get wad i mean.
Whether its the only hope or there is no hope, i'm glad i dared chanced upon it.
Wont blame you for raising me up den crumpling me down later. i swear.
stiffed ankle. cuts.
you summed up my day today.
there are certain things my sub-concious mind has been making me avoid. i dunno if its good.
like what would happen if ure dead? am i ready to face death again?
why am i thinking about these? i need to anyway.
time to face my fears.
*there is no negativity in here*
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
11:57 PM
School was okay today. i actually tried paying attention to all my lectures so it cant be that bad.
How can one live life with so much passion? Or does it only happens on tv?
Well, i dont believe so, at least i dont belive so a minute ago, now i truly want to belive in it.
I want to be ever so positive, though i know i will falter. But please let me be when i can. always.
On the way out of school, we were actually quite amused to see a almost impending to happen fight scene.
Except that it was rather childish. Glad it did not happen. But den again, we were already thinking of skills to fight back haha.
...Which included, chinese dance skill, thai boxing, pervert skills. all sort of crappy skills...
Reached home almost heard some quarrels, glad it did not surface.
i hope it never happens again. cross my heart.
checked mails. found out i havent paid my capitation fee to the Headquarters of YA
thinking of whether to sign up for some course and some self defense class..hmmm.....
anyways, for a moment in my life i lost certain amount of passion. than i always found it in helping, aiding thats why social worker is my ambition, because it brings me out of my perilious state. Be happy, smile, live life with passion, live ur day with a purpose.
currently watching: Shipping News(DVD)
Going to watch: Cinderella Story.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Monday, January 24, 2005
10:34 PM
the sun was freaking bright today. totally fabulous. especially when you decide to run rounds round the track.
So i did just that, only that i was exhausted after the 1st round.
The sun must have took everything away from me.
But manange to do 7 rounds in 15 minutes so its not that bad after all.
Bathed while cheryl reported about cockroach action outside my cubicle. than went to crash on accountings tutorials.
For my 2 hour break i was rushing to J8 for lunch and also for the application of UOB debit card. Oh well not for me but for cheryl. Yea. she got it in the end. Had to rush back for lecture but found out there was time to break the record so we headed to grassroots.
Only to be running back. Boy, were we lucky, we were right on the dot.
Soccer action and we thrashed NP. Good Job gals. Proud of all of you.
hardworking mode right on track. cross my fingers to work on that.
what do i have to do now?
Do i practise my guitar chords now, or crash my tutorials or start on projects. or...hmmm wad else?
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
just yesterday i was so clear about myself.
so clear of what i want to achieve how come suddenly its all gone?
who did a brain wash on me?
I did not pay you.
return me my memories. grrrr.......
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Imagine this, trying to finish up the whole html assignment which consists of 3 webpages into a single night.
You can bet on the fact that i was turning inside on, on the verge of going bonkers.haha.
But, at least its over.
I got my N7270 today. A little faster than i thought i would.
Though there were no strings attached, i attached some myself.
Dont like the idea of getting something without giving anything in return. So more house chores for me. I hope i stick to it.
Went to Kampong days for lunch had steamboat at novena for dinner.
i appreciated my day.
But was left pondering on trying to make things slightly more simple. But i guess you cant just keep thinking about it, i guess just be true and live the way you know it. Just remember not to let yourself down.
I hope i dont. Going through tutorials. Trying to be disciplined and focus here.
The day is great, the night was the opposite. I always wonder why.
Anyways, i hope things turn out for the better. Got rounds to run tomorrow.
I am always wondering. I dont understand why. I dont want to wonder, but there are certain things that i cant get it straight. I want to make their lives better, but in a way they are hindering me from doing so. forget it, more ramblings.
Watched a documentary just now on the disabled, noticed how strong and matured they are in their thinking and their actions. really take my hats of them. Life isnt that bad. It never was in my dictionary, only until you keep trying to supress me. And i try to walk away, and still am trying to walk away.
Currently watching: KungFu Hustle.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Friday, January 21, 2005
12:50 AM
the day went by as it came
i tried new things and i've done the same
I've felt the happiness and the pain
there's nothing to lose but all to gain
but then at the end of the day
i felt the emotions that wouldnt go away
i tried to numb and make it go
but these feelings were here to stay
now u tell me what is wrong
how can a day start well and go wrong
why the night always seem to haunt
while in the day its all gone
enough of poetry i guess. wad more is that i had a great day today but it did not end well. life is always filled with lots of questions and i am having my question trial now.
i have the urge to forgo my wants.
i have this sudden calling to fulfill, which is linked to what i had always wanted to do and be.(social worker)
i need to repay society, and i feel i have not done enough.
i feel that my wants are killing what i am really looking for in life.
Simple things have become difficult all of a sudden.
i was lost for a large part of time,lost for a period of time u will never believe.
my thinking is starting to contradict my actions.
this is nothing serious. trust me.
we all go through this phase.
i just need some sorting out.
problem is. dunno where. dunno how.
hope is.yet.
watched:
Friends final season last episode
Ice Age
Stuck on you
Supersize Me
DVD spree...........................
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
hit school early today to finish my project.
after which we went to grassroots to bombard the arcade. Speaking of arcade, i think JL and LB are addicted to it too.
Oh yea, rewind a little, i was the bowling champ when i had a mini game against the 4 for them. Sorry, about that, need something to brag about haha.
Back to today, well, we sorta had a mini hari raya celebration in advanced, at least that was what we believe it to be at J8.
Ate at Din Tai Fung/Fang. Whichever.
Laugh like mad. Food was fab.
The battle's not over yet. I have my own battle to fight for now.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
12:40 AM
Suddenly feel like the worst person on earth.
Suddenly feel so pathetic, so without self-discipline, so lost.
I had an aim in mind and i got distracted for 101 times. rather countless.
thanks a lot clarice.
I got to start somewhere.
My computer should have been fixed by now.
My tutorials should have been done by now.
My tests should have been taken cared of by now.
My guitar chords should be familiarized by now.
My life should be organised by now.
I used to have no expectations.
life was damn freaking cool.
life still is, just that messes are taking place, like what did not seem to matter, suddenly started to matter now.
I am getting old.
Getting sick of the same old stuff, i need adventure.
Getting sick of monotony, i need changes.
Getting stuck in nowhere, i need to take the first step out.
Feeling the nostalgia setting in, because of u.
U of all people i thought i have clean forgotten, comes back to haunt me.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
12:06 AM
my mum promised me to get 7270 after chinese new year.
my mum promised me to get uob visa mini after my birthday.
i promised myself to live a life filled with no regrets.
i promised myself not to let any single opportunity fade away.
i promised myself to do my best.
but the world made no promises to me.
life made no promises to me.
ran 8 rounds barefooted, sorta like a punishment. i disappointed myself unknowningly.
inside it burns, outside it subsides.
it tears me apart, but its what keeps me alive.
this passion, this zest to do the best in this thing call life.
it is called the bittersweet sadness. bittersweet victory. bittersweet life of mine has just began. i unknowningly stepped a foot in. a little lost, but not without a map.
it feels terrible inside.
i am beginning to have expectations which sucks.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Monday, January 17, 2005
12:01 AM
Go Singapore Go!!
Went to the stadium to catch the awesome match!! Cheering all the way i was sitting so close to the Indonesian fans. haha. Spectacular!
So heartwarming to see the whole scene! the goals, the cheers and the roars.
Couz Eugene sent me home, had a great chat.
Went to visit my aunt who had her operation, wondering why she is recovering so slowly.
my life is kind of boring, soccer trg, guitar lesson and dance classes. I need more, more adventure. If not i am literally going to cry. Like what Eugene said, i need bungee jumping. Everything. Somebody give me suggestions.
Stats qns done.Com project 1 done.
more stuff to go!
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
11:55 AM
I saw my husband today!! Haha, okay thats a little exaggerating, but i mean Ronald Susilo. He was at our school for the Tsunami Charity Programme. He was very shy and very friendly. After which was more mugging for POM, but of course i did not do much, played photohunt, went to the field with my gang, decided the weather was too beautiful to missed so we laid and slack there, it was very fun. I mean studying outdoor.
But we ended up running round the track. haha.
Boy, do i have lotsa commitments to fufill..grrr.....
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Was debating coming to school, decided to come anyway, not used to being away from school, or rather skipping school without anything on. I dont like to slack, as in laze around and do nothing for no purpose, kinda waste time.
I went for the blood donation thingy, but they couldnt find any veins in me so they could not suck any blood out of me haha!
Played photohunt with Cheryl in grassroots for quite long. It is totally pervert i tell you, damn pervert. haha. Soccer training was ok, but i was freaking hungry, and still am hungry while typing this haha. JL said she felt dizzy when she is playing against me cause we keep turning around haha. Played Dai Dee on the train in a very im-promptu way. It was innovative.
So catch my actions tomorrow. I think it would be better. I hope so, kinda did not like their slow actions, their way of always waiting for someone to make the first move. Sick of their indecisiveness, their hesitance, their directionaless mindset. I just want them to say what they want to say, do what they want to do, dont have to oblige..... i dont understand how they are so fond of waiting, everyday is waiting and waiting ... in a way i feel totally like what JL felt. Pissed off period.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
12:00 AM
Still sticking to my priority in life, which is to try as many things as possible, not be bogged down by education. Keep learning, never fear learning, never fear mistakes, never fear waiting.
Yea, waiting might not be a bad thing, people nurture at different rate anyway.
Tired because i am sad, sad because i am not please with my performance in Life or in soccer. I dont know what i am talking about. But i am getting bored of the monotony though dance and guitar lessons are in placed. grrrr.... maybe its just school. but i want to learn its not that i dont want to.
Had chat with JL on the way back in the cab, everybody is going through a phase man... the same phase but i want to handle it different....yea differently.....
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Monday, January 10, 2005
11:59 AM
Iused to never like Sundays, because my parents are home, and now dont get me wrong, I love them to bits. But being around them at times scares the hell out of me. I was sleeping at ten in the morning, but i could hear shouts from the outside. I continued sleeping hoping to fall into a deep slumber. Everything seem so okay on the surface when we are in front of others, even me myself thought so deeply, i truly believed so.
But everything is folding in again, its kinda scary, i couldnt wait to get out of the house. So my mother wanted to go out to shop, so i went along, and it wasnt a pleasant trip because she started complaining about everything and anything, i am okay with it. But honestly, her aim was kind of to tell me i was useless doing nothing to help certain issues. Certain things she said i could do the very next minute she could turn her back with the snap of a finger and change completely.
I left saying i need to meet my friends. I was angry. Angry mainly caused i feel i should not feel angry. But also angry because i could not feel angry. So i became sad, when i boarded the bus i was crying. not badly, but crying. Until i met my friends, guide friends, did things turn back to normal. I miss them alot.
So the rest of the day was great fun eating seafood at my usual hangout, went to HF to play pool but it was quite ex though, ate at TCC again, drank Hoegarden! Went home. Watch the charity programme, felt the need to help once again.
My life is filled with a sense of fear that eludes the minute i am in front of others, in front of what i like to do best, and my life is filled with the need to fufill society's flaws. If only... really....if only..... i always believed money is the root of evil...still believed..hai~
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
11:50 AM
I hate it when i miss Guides events because after all its in me, guides is my ultimate priority because it is what shaped who i am today and i have 101 reasons to be grateful for this experience i have had with guiding after declining being in the school badminton team.. But its okay, my heart is still with them while i help Val cover up tuition.
*Val dont worry i am cool with it, totally, trust me.
Went off for hip hop lessons after which was totally estatic, okay that is a little too much, to see the one who thought me jazz over there haah,she is a real cool girl, i bet no older than us. Yea, so the whole hip hop lesson was awesomely brilliant. Loved the song, loved the steps. Enjoyed. I perspired like crazy.
Dragged, pulled Shiya along to Kovan with us to eat but she stubbornly refused haha. So went to met Cheryl for our guitar lesson, was supposed to study but i arrived late and was busy eating because i was freaking hungry. Guitar lesson was cool but the thing was the guy reminded me of Phantom of the Opera. He sings while he talks. haha....
grr............something i am not happy and not comfortable about...grrrr
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
10:25 AM
Was playing poker for my break today. We were real sneaky all around because we were like playing in the middle of the fast food canteen, kind of obvious isnt it? But we kind of lost all sorts of entertainment so we just decided to risk it.
School as per normal, tutorials was spent reading newspaper of course that wasnt what i was supposed to be but honestly i think i lost all attention span, totally cannot focus whenever i get settled.
We head down to Plaza Sing to catch a movie PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, it was a usual movie rather it was a musical movie. So people were like speaking to each other through singing and i was laughing along with Cheryl because obviously its kinda funny. Like when they wanted to scold each other they were like, Cursed U, Damn U, with a tune along with it. But definitely a show you should watch. It lives up to its critics.
*note to michelle, dont watch it, because you have a faint heart*
Went home early again, not without disturbing Shiya on the train with my renditions of Phantom of the Opera, i was singing the whole journey back hahaha....... imagine it, really, conversing through songs... haha......
Steamboat was delicious.
tomorrow is going to be a long day, work, dance, guitar.........
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Friday, January 07, 2005
10:20 AM
first things first, finally went for amore dance lessons yesterday and definitely was a little rusty but i had tremendous fun, i mean its finally something that i have put aside for a long time and finally got it into action. other than that yesterday was kinda stale, wednesdays are stale and monotonous but at a different Teppanyaki again haha.
i bought the straits times today, sudden feeling and need to be ingenious. So school went on like any school day, was trying to work my way through school, being the studious person, of course i hope it can last as long as possible. But for the second break of the day we went to play table tennis. It awesome, played both doubles and singles. haha.
Went home early today, body ache, more fastum gel.
Right now pondering whether the decision to come home early was a right one....
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
12:16 AM
i was trying to stick to attending a full day lesson today but guess wad? I skipped lessons again, this time even worse i skipped 2 lectures in a row.So much for trying to attend lessons. Wassup with me man? But its okay, i made a promise to Cheryl and myself to stick to being discipline and have tremendous fun after that .
*cross my fingers and hope that that would happen grrrr*
Anyway, went to Bugis looking for sneakers as well as Sim Lim to look for Cheryl's ever precious Creative Zen MP3. Went around and bargained like crazy but in the end settled for a salesperson who was very honest and true haha.
After which was TEPENYAKI,i think i spelt it wrongly, but wadeva, it was DELICIOUS. Along with the airport atmosphere it was just perfect, the people there were real friendly too.
Actually there are more than these materialistic things that happened today, i was unhappy about certain issues, and i dont know why i was getting so paranoid about shit. people change things change and i dont know. But life can be better i hope. Actually no i dont hope, i just know if i try things can get better. Now my main problem is how to juggle soccer trg and amore dance lessons tmr? hmmm.....
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Monday, January 03, 2005
9:53 PM
I dont know how to describe life now after 2005, but 2004 was one heck of an adventure. One year i had practically no regrets about, i had everything and anything,work, studies, adventures, celebrations, renuions and all the various other craps. haha. went on a community service trip, exeperience lotsa stuff. Went the Tsunami thing happened we went to Little India t helped out, went to SPH the next day to help out after skipping lessons. haha. Getting filmed was a bonus;) How can i regret?
But naturally i have lotsa expectations for this year, i have sort of already kicked of this new year with lotsa classes, dance class, music class, soccer trainings, IVPs. Of course there are more to come. Life is not going to get easy for me, and i am greatful i am having lotsa fun with my life, everyday i wake up i feel this sense of hope. Hoping for a better day, yearning to try out new things in life, this never ending quest.
I am glad, and i want my friends to enjoy life too. Dont get too carried away with education, for educations should shape your character not anything else. Dont feel restricted, the life is yours. Ok, this is beginning to sound like preaching. But i just want everyone to not feel uptight, and just love life and live life in whatever best way you know how to live it.
*there is a hidden meaning inside though*
Lionel Lewis went for our soccer training today :)
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
Lots to catch up on since my computer crash on the fateful day of new year. We went to JE to countdown, unfortunately we were too carried away in our own world that we forgot that it was actually time to countdown haha. So by the time we went foward to the stage it was already done. But we bought spray cans of different sorts and sprayed at anybody and everybody . It was hella fun.
After which Cheryl and Shiya came to my house for a stayover, we had mahjong session all the way till 5, slept after that and went for breakfast at 9. It was like breakfast feast cause for all i can remember there were lotsa food around. Next,we played poker cards, all different types of games. Slack and watch tv till 4 and went to eat at SIAM KITCHEN. my treat of course haha. went home to slack after which cause we were pretty tired.
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.
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